Free: Not imprisoned or enslaved; being at liberty.
Very recently, I learned the meaning of the word “free”…not just the definition…the meaning. I realized that I was being held back by things that should no longer have control over me. Things I thought I had let go of…things that I swore I was over and had forgotten. Only, I hadn’t forgotten…I had just failed to remember.
Growing up, I didn’t have the highest self-esteem. Unlike some…this was not due to any outside factor or circumstance in my life. I grew up in a happy home…my parents loved us, gave us all of what we needed and most of what we wanted. My dad always let us know how special we were and how we didn’t need anything from anybody that would try to hold it over our heads later. No…I didn’t have those problems, I had internal issues. Issues that I created within myself…the kind that I didn’t tell people about so noone could help me get over them. I was the loner, yet longed to fit in. Growing up, I hung with girls that picked on me…maybe because it was a form of attention, or maybe because they convinced me (when I wasn’t being cornered) that they were my friends. Either way, this kinda forced me into a larger corner…with more room for me, myself, and I. I became this shy being, hoping and praying that nobody noticed I was in the room. I was afraid that If they noticed me, they would notice EVERYTHING about me and that simply would not do. I began to believe that I was who everybody said I was…that I belonged to the names they called me. Over the years this affected my thinking…I looked at myself as not good enough in many areas of my life. When I went to college…being “GROWN” gave me a false confidence and a nice tall brick wall that surrounded me. I developed the attitude of all attitudes and a mouth that could back up 10,000 man army. But it was my way of protecting myself and seemed to keep the attention off of the obvious me and on an image of me. It allowed me to keep people at a safe enough distance that I didn’t have to ever feel rejected.
All of this caused me to be way more introverted than I should. I really never learned how to talk to people because I was too busy avoiding them. I used my mouth as a weapon and gave the excuse that I didn’t know another way to be. I found it easier to not meet new people because it caused me to have to eventually talk about me…introduce me…look at me……… So until VERY recently…I had myself trapped…chained…feeling some kind of way about myself.
Then comes the word “free”…short yet powerful. Once I realized that I was holding me back…I was able to let “me” go. I couldn’t blame things on my past anymore because it is just that…the past. I had to know that when I decided to live for God…He set me free. So if I continue to stay bound by things of the past…I am in a sense rejecting His freedom. I always ask God for stuff…give me this…help me with that…not realizing that He already gave it to me…I just had to notice the answer waiting there. Now when I sing or talk about being free…I can actually mean what I say…because I know it to be true for myself.
Ki Ki Sheard says it well…”you can be free from bondage and healed from brokenness and full of joy…be free.” I decided it wasn’t worth it to miss out on so much because I was bound by me.
“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” ~John 8:36
“Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.” ~II Corinthians 3:17
Well…that’s it for now…still can’t really believe I am posting but here goes……………..
Ms. A.M. White