Never good enough…just not quite pretty enough…not tall enough but just a tad too short…just shy of smart enough…not skinny enough yet not big enough…just NOT IT! Funny thing is, nobody ever told me these things. I was just talented enough to convince myself of them. I didn’t have a bad childhood. In fact, I had a pretty awesome upbringing. My parents took the best care of me, loved me…and they still do. I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted but I that just didn’t click with me. In school, I was picked on because of my size and even sometimes because of how I dressed. I had “friends” but they were the ones to make fun of me. I pretended not to mind but it tore me up on the inside. So for years, that grew…and grew…and grew. My self esteem was non-existent.
Now I’m not one to give credit to the devil for things. I’m a firm believer that we bring things upon ourselves but he has a way of distracting us just enough………. I’m sure my narrow minded, downward thinking was his in…to get to my mind and grab hold. Remember…if your thoughts can be corrupted then emotions, heart, all that is soon to follow.
For years…my whole life…until about idk, 6 or so months ago, I had the hardest time believing in the me that I was to be. No matter how much confidence I would try to exude on the outside, self pity and doubt ate me up on the inside. I had THEE BIGGEST problem with comparing myself with other people. You know…the basics…they have this but I don’t, when will it be my turn, but God you promised and they got what I prayed for. I felt left out…out of place…like no matter how many people were around, I was all alone. I wanted what everybody else had…friends…invites…anything. All unnecessary stuff that I brought on myself. I learned a hard lesson about how no amount of weight loss, make-up, pairs of shoes, friends, etc. can bring happiness. That comes from God!!!
God placed me in a corner, in a small room, with no door and no windows, by myself! Well…not really…but you get my drift. He made it so that I couldn’t talk to anybody but Him…and allowed my thoughts to be so jumbled in my head that the only person to understand was Him. It was exactly what I needed because time alone…as with any relationship…caused my bond with Him to grow stronger. My issues became so real to me that the only direction I could turn to was toward His face. I had to learn that HE is the opinion of me that counts…HE created me to be who I am to be…and HE alone could help me with my biggest problem…ME!!! But first I had to be left alone with nobody but HIM! He let me know that I wasn’t meant to be like everybody else…popular…with the crowd…fitting in. Yep…at 28 I was still learning that lesson. Sad…but true. But it came from a lack…a void…that I allowed to grow within myself. One that I could have sworn I had gotten rid of years ago but really I just hid it and locked it away inside.
It was a hard process…I learned that my biggest problem was that I didn’t know me at all. I had spent so much of my life trying to adjust for other people and their ideas and their atmospheres that somewhere along the way, I had lost me…if she was even with me to begin with. It was a growing process that caused me to realize that I needed to “grow up” and get it together. I would text people with problems looking for answers and get no response…that was God letting me know that He is the problem solver. I would look at my bills and stress because I didn’t know how I would pay them…that was God letting me know that He would be my provider. Things I was so used to having, I learned to live without…stuff that I thought was necessary, I learned to let go of…even people that I thought needed to give me approval, I learned to step away from. I truly learned that God is all I need. He became my EVERYTHING!!! My joy, strength, peace, friend, comforter, provider, all that. I gained a relationship with Him…something I apparently never had before. I learned to be a worshiper and not just to worship. Believer it or not…there is a huge difference between being and doing. I learned to give Him all I had even at those times when I was so down I felt I had nothing at all. He had me right where I needed to be.
At times I would get discouraged because I had never had certain things or been a part of certain things. What I learned is that with some people, their testimony comes from their experiences and how God brought them out. With others, their testimony comes from their being kept from certain things. I have that testimony…God has kept me from many things that I could have gone through or been a part of but He knew that I wouldn’t have been able to handle them. After all…He said He would never put more on us than we could bear.
I said ALLLLLLLLLL of that to say when you allow God to be your everything, He will let you lack nothing. Only He can give you the peace you are looking for…only He can provide you with the love you need. Nobody but God can make you happy…no matter where you look or who you ask, only God can do it for you. No amount of self help can help you help yourself. When God is you focus, you center, your world, your universe, you can handle any and everything that comes your way. Psalm 139:14 says that “I am fearfully and wonderfully made….”
I had to realize that if God created me in His image and likeness and formed who He wanted me to be then my actions and harshness towards myself were an insult to Him. It was like me saying “nice try God but I’ll take “me” from here.” Stop insulting God. Ask Him what He wants from you…who He wants you to be…how He wants you to live. You can’t go wrong. You’ll be much happier and sleep much better at night if you do. Let go of you past…He can right any wrong. Stop being that person…the one that’s not good enough, or smart enough, or tall or short enough. If you’re still here…then God’s purpose for your life is not yet fulfilled. If He wanted you to be like your best friend…He would have made them twins! Go 180 degrees in the opposite direction and you’ll get where you need to be. It is true that what is seemingly my worst day with God is better than my best day without Him. I can’t promise you that it will be easy but I can promise you that it will be well worth it.
Okay…I’m done…goodnight…….
Happy is a place and I live there…plenty of room if you want to relocate. 🙂
Miss A.M.White