Nope…not HOV…sorry for the confusion. It’s just me…but it’s really me this time………..
No imitation…no replica…no mask…no disguise…no delusional character…just me. But let me tell you…it wasn’t easy to just be me. Nope…I won’t even lie and say that I always knew who I was or that I have always been this way. I won’t even say that this is a problem that I only went through when I was younger. I haven’t always known what I really enjoyed. Heck…I haven’t always known who the REAL me was. I was the girl that everyone would always tell “it’s okay that you’re different” or “you unique”…what the heck was that supposed to mean? I know they meant well but to a young girl who already didn’t think enough of herself, that is just not it. So I went through most of my life trying to pretend I was okay with me which turned into me changing to a somewhat likable version of myself. (really not me at all). It took me all of 28 years of my life to figure it all out. Yep…that’s right…it took my entire life for me to figure out who “me” really was. I wasn’t comfortable with me…I wasn’t happy with me.
The few people that REALLY know me know that I am as stubborn as a mule and beyond………
Well that led to me kind of rejecting things people told me that I was and what people would tell me that I needed…I kind of rebelled. I developed an attitude like no other and would use the excuse that I had to be that way in order to defend myself. From rebelling it somehow grew to accepting what people told me and in a way, believing it. I had somehow convinced myself that I needed everything that everyone told me that I lacked and I stressed myself trying to figure out why I didn’t have it and how to get it. I was lost but I didn’t realize it. I almost wanted to be invisible…hoping I could get off clean without anyone really noticing I was there…even as an adult. I had become complacent with where I was in life and what I was doing. Just doing enough to make me feel like I was accomplishing something. Just singing enough so that I felt like I was “doing the work of the Lord.” When in actuality I was cheating myself…out of life…out of blessings…out of the will of God. Sadly it took me an EXTREMELY long time to realize it because I “thought” I was doing okay. I would get discouraged really easily. I would chalk it up to just being stuff people go through. But I had to realize that it was because I was not in the complete will of God that I was so unhappy. I mean…I loved myself but I really didn’t like myself..I didn’t like me.
It wasn’t until I began to really pray for God to help me and recognize that I didn’t want to be where I was anymore that I began to change. My mind had to change…my ideas…my desires…my life had to change. But it couldn’t until I was ready. And until I was ready, I couldn’t grow. I learned that no matter what people tell you or how many times they say it, if you don’t believe it you won’t change your mind. What’s worse is many times, you can’t even explain it to the people around you. I got to the point that I was surrounded by people but felt so alone…all because I was unsure of who I was, what I was doing, and why.
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. ~Romans 12:2
So…recently…I mean VERY recently…I had a mind transformation like no other. One that only God could give. And I met me…and I’ll say…I kinda like her…I think I’ll let her stick around. So…meet Ms. Alecia M. White…she’ll be around for the remainder of my life. I had to let go of things that I was still holding on to. Stuff that I thought I was over but realized I wasn’t when it would come up. Stuff that I could sit up and cry over but it happened so long ago that I should be able to laugh. All those issues were holding me back…keeping me quiet…shutting me down. But no more!!!!! I still have some growing to do but I know that my growth is in the direction of up.
I’m finally free……………..
~Ms. A.M. White