So, writing is not only a passion of mine, but it's therapy for me. Tomorrow is Father's Day and for me, the first without my father. I wrote him a letter to let him know how I'm feeling about it. Lol... may seem silly to some, but sharing it is part of my process. A part that is necessary for me to get some sort of relief. I encourage anyone who is dealing with grief to find something healthy that allows you to begin expressing yourself. No, I am not suggesting that it will take that pain away, but it will help manage it.
I get it though, this is no easy feat, in fact, I feel like I fail at it everyday. Anyhoo... praying for y'all.
Since November 12, 2018, I’ve been experiencing life without you. So many firsts have come and gone, and I’m not going to lie and say I’m okay with it. I’m not sure that things are any easier, but they have become more bearable… I think (verdict is still out on that). Seven days after you died, I attempted to celebrate my 35th birthday, the first one without you. That was just two days after we left you to the attendants at Fort Custer National Cemetery. I wished, that day, that I could’ve stayed with you. A day after my birthday, came Thanksgiving. I woke up hoping I’d see you in the living room, sitting one the couch and eating a slice of sweet potato pie and greeting me with “heeeyyy there sleepyhead.” On the first Christmas, this past December, your daughters went home with mommy and Markus. You know we usually don’t because the weather gets too bad, but this year, it wasn’t and I’m sure it’s because God knew we all needed to be together. On Markus’ birthday, I had an all out meltdown under my desk at work. I mean way under my desk as if I was taking cover from a tornado. On Mother’s Day, mommy came here. That day also marked exactly 6 months without you. Good day. Rough day. Nine days later, you and mommy’s 41st wedding anniversary… we went to dinner to celebrate. Olive Garden… a place you wouldn’t dare dine at because you were so particular.
So many days have passed that I, we, have had to figure out without you here. My first day back at work, I sat at my desk for three hours after I was done working, all because I usually called you when I got in my car. I think prolonging my inability to call you did a little to help my heart. The first time I flew without being able to call you and let you know we’d landed safely; we had a layover in San Francisco. I broke down in the airport while ordering a sandwich. LOL! I’m sure the nice lady that barely spoke English thought I was nuts… I probably am though. No worries, I wasn’t alone, I was flying with my JB family, so they took care of me.
All of that to say, tomorrow is Father’s Day… “Daddy’s Day”… and well, it’s the first time I can’t celebrate you to your face. I can’t call and hear you say, “Alriiiight, thank you Michelle!”, and I can’t send you a card. Oh, I will most definitely celebrate you, but it’s just not right. I’m gonna do what I can daddy, but I’ll probably cry all day. Just thought you should know since you’d always tell us when we were younger, “When I die, I don’t won’t noooooooo crying!” Well, you’d be very disappointed to know that I have cried about your death just about every day for the past 215 days (that’s how many since you’ve been gone). I’m a grown up but I’ll never be too grown up to be your baby girl.
I love you, sir, and I’ll always miss you.
Your baby girl,